Even though Peahendra was a friend consumed with herself to the point of having very little genuine care or consideration for others, she gave my mind something with which I could tussle.
She always had a situation where she was wronged by someone or people were playing with her on the job because she was pretty or a man wasn’t giving her enough of himself and his wallet. It was all about her all the time and she needed constant praise and reassurance on all the ways that she was great.
I enjoy pouring into others, I do. If you’re my friend, I’ll look for ways to fill you. And one thing about Pea, her mind was very much, with anyone and anything, “what can you do for me?!” It’s not hard to see why we, for as long as we did, worked perfectly.
Though my logical mind eventually realized there was an unbalance in what we were giving to the relationship, to the extent that I didn’t have nearly the friend in Pea that she had in me, I still enjoyed her company.
When I texted her since our breakup, possibly in hopes that she’d miraculously come into an evolved being, she said that I “tried to portray [her] as a terrible friend.” I responded that I’m a writer and I’d told an honest story about a girl I loved and how it was heartbreaking to accept the fact that she didn’t love me back.
After calling me weird, with which I won’t argue, Pea told me to get a diary.
This tickles me.
Today, during the second part of a full, 2-day writer’s workshop at UCLA, a couple of my fellow classmates wondered how to deal with how people will feel about what you’ve written. The writing instructor damn near said f**k them people. “What did Anne Lamont say, ‘if people are upset, they should’ve behaved better’?” And I agree.
Nowhere in our text message correspondence does Pea say where I told a lie. I didn’t. I simply told stories as the stories had happened. I stated facts — times, places, how we ended up in those places at those times.
(It’s important to me to note that I didn’t tell anything we said we’d never tell anybody; I didn’t share secrets. Even though our friendship ended a few years ago, I‘d never repeat anything she shared with me in confidence. In that bestfriend breakup piece, the stories that I told, as examples of the imbalance in giving, were moments that had already been up and down each of our Instagrams).
I had to write the piece, one, to go over what was going on in my own mind. Then, I had to share the piece publicly to not rescind what I said. I’d broken up with my bestfriend before, a couple of times, but the moment she’d call me back-to-back and start to chat, I’d always take her back.
I knew this got darn girl didn’t give a shit about me! It didn’t matter though, because I gave a shit about her! I cared and I wanted to be there. I wanted to see her elevation, I wanted to see her growth.
One of my longtime girlfriends from childhood, Kayla Mari, told me she was pissed that I let Pea play with me for as long as I did. She said she just didn’t get it. How could it be so clear, for so many years, that this was a parasitic relationship and I allow it?
Mosquito bites don’t hurt. Yeah, they’re sucking your blood and are a little pesky, but what real harm do they cause?
I felt that I could be of more help to Pea than she could be of harm to me.
She was so needy, constantly. She’d call my phone all day long. How to take care of her hair, what should she wear, this person said this, she said that, did you hear, what should she say back, how do you do that, help me do this, I want to take this trip, let me tell you ‘bout this bit…
I liked it.
I told you that I wouldn’t argue, I’m weird.
It’s only that I wasn’t ever getting anything back.
(Well, not only… it would be another long story, or a few, but essentially, my heart doesn’t believe it was ever her intent to directly harm me, however, if I had to be harmed for her to be helped, so be it — whether that be lying on me, lying to me, keeping something that could help me away from me, etc. I could’ve stayed being a friend to her without her really doing anything for me; I don’t need you to help me, just don’t try to hinder me.)
I need more friends.
I enjoy sitting up on the phone and chatting all night long. Pea, as she said herself, could be perceived as a “terrible friend” when looking at some facts of our friendship, however, that b*tch was available. Kids and all, she was the most available (because it’s Pea’s needs and wants first, even over the little humans she pushed out her pwussy). I appreciated it.
I need more friends where we can sit and ^run it and experience life together as it happens. I’m opening myself up to more of those relationships… I’m nervous, but I’d like it. I have so much love to give. I have so much care to share. I have ears for listening and time for spending. Maybe, this time, it’ll have a better ending.
Related: Broke Up With My BFF and Now She Says She's Suing Me
This isn’t where I thought I was going when I picked up this phone and opened my web hosting application as I sit in my reading corner on a Saturday night. I thought I was about to go into a piece about how I need more friends to meet the amount of energy that I have, which is true. My words decided to take a different direction, floating over to a former friendship. This desire to be sitting on the phone with someone would’ve been filled, or not even had the chance to arise, some years ago, as this former friend stayed on my phone all day long.
I suppose this blank space in my day is good. Lately, my natural urge to be social, and in conversation with someone, not being constantly quenched has been causing me to come to the page. I’ve been more productive than I’ve ever been with my writing over the past month or so. (Granted, my productivity as a writer prior was so low that it’s not hard to top, but still…) Right now, in this very moment, I started writing because I wanted to be talking on the phone, but everybody with whom I could currently be on the phone is asleep and I deleted social media apps from my device, which is another way I’d fill my time or scratch the itch.
On the first of this month, I spent hours in the library formatting a zine with a dream that I wrote out a few years ago, then took that zine and read it in front of a crowd at a local bookstore’s open mic. I hadn’t ever read anything that I wrote on this blog (nor in a journal or anywhere else since being out of school) in front of audience.
Though I didn’t keep count, I know I went to the library to write at least twice a week, all month. Babe, never have I ever consistently dedicated moments to writing — and I bought the domain name to have this blog for building a writing habit at the tail end of 2019! It’s the top of 2026.
(I hope I’m not exaggerating from being so accustomed to going months without writing that going for a couple of days in one month feels like I’ve been at a desk writing hellaaaaaaa. I’ll keep track next month).
I enrolled in a continuing education course through a UCLA Writers Program and completed two full Saturdays, from 9am to 5pm, playing with writing tools and ideas amongst fellow budding writers under the guidance of a lifelong, seasoned, well-read, well-trained, many-times-published writer. I hadn’t been in a writing class since… ever?
(Obviously, from primary through post-secondary education, we’re required to write, but I don’t remember one whole class being about writing, specifically. I don’t think there’s a Writing one-oh-anything anywhere on my transcripts. This writing workshop via UCLA Extension was a first of a kind experience for me).
Idk, idk, idk… altogether, this month is seeming like a lil’ steppity step. It’s nowhere!!! However, I’m at least facing the direction of a potential somewhere.
This little corner of the Internet is currently acting as an ongoing exploration of self. Other writers have readers; here, we’re riders. Thank you for taking a ride and I hope you’ll stick AROUND.
Glossary
^ run it - have casual conversation on a given topic or recent happenings with a person that’s familiar and/or invested. Example: You know I was your eyes at Ivan’s party last night since you had to work. Let’s do lunch tomorrow, b*tch we gotta run it!
Spinning the block
It's been a long, slow road for me as a blogger, and I'm still basically on the ground. — Analyzing my progress, or lack thereof, as I aim towards writing and creating content consistently, January 2024
A girl that once called me her bestfriend is now saying she’s going to sue me. — The story I had to write to remind myself why I don’t need to be friends with a girl that has never been a friend to me, October 2022