Grateful to Granny beating it out of me before it could envy form, I don’t tend to be a jealous nor envious person.
Life isn’t fair, little girl.
I’m a whole adult now and that whole “you’ll understand when you’re older” bologna still doesn’t always apply. I had an opinion and I knew what I was talking about, even then. Some of the foolishness grownups would say in their own defense simply didn’t make sense. I won’t go down that rabbit hole today, let’s stick to what I came on here right quickly to say.
So yeah, Granny didn’t raise a girl that wants what the next girl has. Thank God, I didn’t get bit with the widespread bug of wanting because I see someone else with it. I want what I want because I want it, I have my own very valid (to me) reasons of wanting whatever it is that I want and why I should have it. However, it could sound otherwise if you heard the thought that came through my head a moment ago, which is why I need to clarify.
(Can you hear the thoughts in my head? No. I’m going to be the first one to check me though! I believe in putting it on the table. Hold up na, what’s that.. feel it.. mm.. mmkay, explore it..)
I open up the web browser on this darn smartphone that I’m sick of, going to look for or do something specific, which has left me now, since I got distracted. [side eye]
This article from Business Insider showed up on my reading suggestions:
My friends and I take a 14-hour Amtrak trip together every year. It's the cheapest way to spend time together.
How come I’m not contracted to write such pieces for publications? This is the type of stuff that I do!
That was my second thought upon seeing this article that Google Chrome suggested I “discover”. My first thought was, “see! who’s going to take a long train ride with me?”
Surely, technology and these darn smart phones, being what they are, eavesdroppers, listened in on my two-hour-wait call with Amtrak customer service yesterday afternoon or peeked into my various searches on Amtrak [dot] com, mapping out my impromptu two-week tour around the nation. That’s why the web browser suggested this article. It is not random, nor coincidence.
The not having a friend to take 14-hour long train rides with me is a little tougher to tackle — we’ll hop over that one the way that my brain did within the split of a second.
Seeing Something, Then Asking Yourself “Why Not Me?”
I’m not going to hold you because it’s already quarter past two o clock in the afternoon and I prefer to nap before three.
Really quickly, questions I ask myself include:
What have you done for it to be you?
Why should it be you?
Why do you want it to be you?
What could you do to create the opportunity for it to be you?
It’s an automated way of checking myself to be very clear that it’s not a case of you just want it ‘cause you see him with it, as I was regularly diagnosed when I’d see my big brother chewing and a Snickers bar hiding in my mother’s masculine hands.
“Girl, go ‘head,” she’d grunt and tell me that I only want her to give me some because she gave my brother some. Well, that would be fair. If I were to tell my mother about fairness, she’d surely repeat her mother, life isn’t fair, little girl.
Ask yourself why do you want it.
Do I want to write lifestyle articles for a major publication because a lifestyle article from a major publication appeared in my web browser reading suggestions? No. I write lifestyle articles right here on my personal blog for free with little-to-no eyes on me and been (albeit, inconsistently) since the confinement of twenty-twenty!
I am a writer who can’t help but to write. I observe life. I enjoy to write after I observe life.
Have I never ridden a train yet am drawn to writing about riding a train? No. I’ve BEEN taking cross-country train trips since long before it started trending. The trains used to be EMPTY! It’s cool now. People are putting it out TikTok now. Before it was content, I was into it.
Am I a person who prefers to be alone and would hate to be on a train with anyone for that long? Absolutely not! I enjoy people thoroughly, from the new to the tried-and-true. In fellowship is where I feel my best!
All of it is really me af! This is the type of stuff I’ve thought of and never did. (Taking a train ride with friends, writing lifestyle pieces for wide-reaching publications, specifically.. as mentioned, riding the train and writing is something I already do.. it’s the next level that I’ve imagined, yet not taken it to..)
Mm. That’s why you’re mad.
[inserts you mad? gif]
What steps have you taken for what you want to be yours?
Miss T. Krys, have you taken action to turn idea into opportunity for the thing you see that has you asking why not me?
Seriously, have you ever written a pitch for a lifestyle publication, or a platform that accepts lifestyle pieces, and submitted it to an editor?
How in the world are you going to be upset that lady has a byline in Business Insider that you could’ve written when you never took the steps to write it?! That doesn’t make any sense, my sweet baby. I love you, but no.
Do y’all know, as much as that article piqued my interest, I didn’t want to click because I could’ve written it?
[blank face]
I was hard up, I’m not clicking on that shit with a hmph-folds-arms attitude of a stubborn blonde-haired boarding school child.
That’s why I had to check myself. What is this, really? You want to read the article. You enjoy reading and it’s a topic you enjoy, as well as have questions about (such as where to find friends willing to take a 14-hour train ride because none of mine have agreed to go for it). You want to read this other writer’s article on Business Insider, but you don’t want to give her a click because you couldn’t written it. Why not me? You probably had that idea before she picked up her first crayon! (I’m making this up, our sandbox years probably overlapped, or she was in college was I was in kindergarten; I don’t know… I haven’t looked at her, I haven’t read her article [nervous smile])
Even if I did have the idea first, if there were some way to prove it, it doesn’t matter. She executed.
What is causing you to ask why isn’t it you?
Envy seems to me to be rerouted disappointment in self. I’m upset at her for doing something that I wanted to do but didn’t. I wouldn’t go petitioning Merriam-Webster to change the definition, I don’t really, really know, I’m not a psychologist, however, that’s only ever how envy shows up in me.
Never have I ever been upset about someone having something that I didn’t want. I’ve never thought, I’m not going to watch this YouTube creator’s content about natural hair because she released a hair care line. Baby when I tell you, I have BINGED Green Beauty’s entire channel, I mean I’ve binged it! I don’t want a hair care line. If I did, and never took the steps to launch one, I could see where those ugh, well, I wanted… feelings could arise.
I’ve heard some people say, “why does she have…” and the unsaid part of the question is “instead of me”.
Are you upset about what she’s doing? Or, is something she doing reminding you of something you want to be doing and you’re not?
Let’s be clear, criticism of content, books, movies, Instagram “influencing” is fair (so long as it’s fair).
Having an opinion ≠ hating.
I won’t go off on a whole tangent, however, it’s important to note that everyone does NOT have to be a fan of everything. It’s not automatically “hating” if a person does find interest or appeal in a person or piece of art. It’s not automatically “hating” is a person offers an educated or thoughtful opinion on a person or a piece of art.
Please, be critical.
Please, practice skepticism.
Please, don’t accept anything as “oh this is awesome” when it’s awful. Let toxic ypositivity die, please.
You can have an opinion. You cajnot like something.
I clicked. The browser wouldn’t allow me to highlight the title from that Discover page. I had to click to copy/paste it.
Her name is Leighana Luther, the writer who was getting a nasty, narrow eye-squint of envy from me through the internet interface.
The above was a blog draft from June 25th, two days shy of a whole month ago, that I never finished writing and thus never pressed publish. As I type now, it’s July 23rd and I’m not about to go back and read what I wrote in attempts to “finish” it; it’s as finished as it’s going to get. [tosses hands up]
I’m on the train, headed south down the California coast towards Los Angeles, and mentioned my lifestyle blog in conversation with some nice passengers in the dining car when I asked to snap a picture with them (just in case I talk about my cross-cross train travel and want to add an image from this dining-with-strangers part of the experience). Ms. Sari, the lady seated across from me, said, “around with TK, is it,” in an inquisitive tone, then added, “I’ve got it,” as she looked down at her phone and said that she’d look me up. Immediately, I felt the need to disclaim.
Oh, don’t expect much.
It’s only something that I do for fun.
I’m really not consistent as I’d hoped to be.. there’s nothing really there…
Back in my coach class train seat, I thought to myself, what will someone see if she Googles me? And that’s what I want to write about today. I’m going to close this blog draft and start a new one. This time, I won’t wait a month to press publish — when blogging, I’m going to have to start treating myself as if this is the writing portion of the ACT — whether you’re finished or not, you’re finished, missy!
This random hubbub of thoughts was written by TK, an unpaid writer and content creator based in Los Angeles, CA, who can’t sit still and always has something to say. See you, AROUND?