My first attempt at a self-tape audition. I did not submit it.
I’m paying some ridiculous amount for this Squarespace account that I barely even use, may as well give this video hosting feature a go.
My heavens, please don’t tell me that wasting money is becoming less and less foreign to me.
Tell me why I was invited to my first self-tape audition and let the deadline pass.
I suppose that I’m killing two birds with one stone by not letting this website nor tape go to waste in posting what’s plaguing me as of today — the video feature that my subscription tier covers gets used and the footage for the audition that didn’t get submitted gets uploaded somewhere!
Dry humor, sarcasm, I’m not happy.
Let me rewind without rewinding too much or including too many details because I already don’t know how this page will load with a minute-long video embedded and stored on it.
I’ve been secretly wanting to be a professional performer my entire life.
Oh, you big ham, I can hear my mother’s voice saying.
There’s not a single person that knew me as a child that doesn’t remember me being an entertainer — naturally, getting up in front of whomever and doing whatever — singing, dancing, telling a story, acting out a scene. I never had a shell to grow out of, I was never shy, quiet nor reserved. I didn’t blossom into the bold personality that I have now; I’ve always had it.
So, why don’t I have it?
Shouldn’t saying a few lines on-camera be nothing for me? When it comes to having intention, putting myself out there, why do I become testes? Soft, sensitive… afraid.
Oh, I’m not telling the story yet, am I? Well…
Monday: I was on set as a background extra.
Tuesday: I joined a professional workers’ union for actors and performers.
Wednesday: I registered with a database that lists available performance work in TV/film, commercial and stage.
Friday: I received an invitation for an initial audition.
Five days following the receipt of the invitation to audition for a very fitting role, the submission would be due… that’s today, as I’m writing this, and I did not submit.
It would be a different story if I were soooooo busy. My brain, busy? Yes, always. However, my schedule was plenty available. I wasn’t doing anything Friday nor Saturday, worked a gig in Santa Barbara Sunday, was back home doing nothing Monday, ran up to Santa Monica College for a few hours yesterday morning and said I’d do the self-tape when I got home since my eyebrows were already on.
Child, the whole afternoon, evening and night passed and I found EVERYTHING to do and look at but them damn sides from that script for the audition. When it was well after midnight, I said, “my eyes are red” and convinced myself I had better not force it. It wouldn’t do me any good to try to get anything done tonight… but who told you to wait until the night before a self-tape is due at noon the next day?!
I was the same in college. Last-minute Lucy. Procrastination Patty. It’s only by God’s grace that I managed to make it ‘cross that stage in four years. And then at the top of my class?! That’s how I know favor ain’t fair!
Honey, I’m going to need that same favor to come visit me with this here acting professionally thing… shit.
Do you know my eyes opened at 7 o’clock this morning and my raggedy ass had the nerve to go walk to the store, get an oat milk latte, fold laundry, put away clothes, wash dishes and stare into space, all before deciding to do my self-tape?!
GIRL WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I want to gentle parent myself, yeah, but speaking of what comes naturally, that does not. I remember one of my favorite professors, Caryn Winters, PhD, saying to me, “I want you to work on positive self-talk.” People are understandably confused by me hating myself as much as I do. Me too.
Recording my first self-tape.
I pulled my tripod and camera out of the closet about quarter after 11, set it up, picked where I’d frame myself then went put on some blush and ‘brows.
There’s no way in anyone’s right mind that she should think she could get the camera ready, get herself ready, rehearse, record, edit and upload in under an hour. Yet, look at my stupid ass.
Sickening.
I’m pressing record, sitting down and that’s it. Oh, mind you, I don’t have a reading partner, seeing as I didn’t plan ahead, so before recording my audition tape, I first needed to record myself reading my scene partner’s line to have someone with which to fake, per se, this dialogue.
Pretending to be my scene partner should’ve been easy, I thought. (Or, I didn’t think, not really thinking about it at all). That shit was hard! And by hard, I mean that I had to do it a few times to leave space for myself to talk.
When I’m interacting with people in a physical space or on the phone, speaking extemporaneously is nothing. The tagline of this personal blog is a girl that can’t sit still and always has something to say. I don’t hesitate (though I probably should with my blunt behind). I’m not thinking. When performing pre-decided words on cue, that requires THOUGHT. Technical thought.
As an overthinker in my leisure, I’m a thinking ass girl. Thinking about shit is one of my favorite hobbies. Honey, I love a rabbit hole. It’s thinking when speaking that’s weird to me. I guess my grandmother was onto something, you need to learn to think before you speak, little girl.
While doing the most basic ballet combination may require some thought for a beginner in class, moving to the music when her song comes on in the club ain’t nothin’. That’s how I am. My body is moving before I even know it. I don’t think about it and I’m good. The moment that I think about it…
Hm.
Let me find out writing does the trick again! Well, I haven’t solved my procrastination problem, but I have revealed something to myself about why I find difficulty in saying a simple ass sentence on cue for an audition, when I can talk at length off the top of my head without stuttering anytime else.
It took me over twelve minutes to get the 60-second clip at the top of this page. For eleven whole minutes, I was stumbling, stopping, and restarting. Do I want my arpeggio to be as fluid as the classical pianist that I’m watching on YouTube the first time trying it? Yes, yes, I do. Will it? Highly unlikely. Well, why would acting on-camera be any different?
Acting is a skill. A skill requires practice.
I definitely didn’t know where this piece of writing was going when I opened up the page. I really thought that I might get on here and cry about the possible realization of not having the chops breaking me before I’ve begun — it must suck to come to terms with not being destined for one’s desires. I’m not saying that I don’t suck, I’m just saying the jury is still out. Least I could do is try.. and one lil’ self-tape that yo’ raggedy ass didn’t even do in time to submit is NOT trying.
As difficult as it is to admit, I need to practice. As embarassing as it is to be seen, I need to try.
Okay, this computer is hot hot and the battery is low low. Let me go.
Do NOT give me on-camera performance tips; I’ve already paid 25 bucks to go to a new student intro at an acting studio here in L.A. Monday; I’ll see what that seasoned professional has to say ‘bout this thing.. maybe I’ll end up paying the $650 for her in-person on-camera acting course. Whew child, SAG-AFTRA has already hit me over the head with an over one-thousand-dollar deposit toward joining their professional performers’ union! And that’s only a third of the initial cost — I still have to pay well over 400 bucks a month for the next five months before I get my official membership card. I’m going to get in classes though, I know that I need work.
I’m happy to hear YOUR personal experience in the comments! Have you ever wanted to do something but had trouble getting yourself to actually do it? How do you get yourself to put action behind your desires?
And fine, if you really, really must, you can tell me that I suck. Give it up, TK, give it up.
I’m a girl that people calll TK, working out where she’s going as she goes.. having an idea while still allowing wander. AROUNDwithTK is where I share my thoughts these days. Other writers haver readers, I like to believe that I have riders. I’m glad you’re here for this one and I hope to see you AROUND.